im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
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I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
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You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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