i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
