you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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