I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
