she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
