I'm jealous of your bromance
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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