you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
