You made me cry and you don't even care
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
are you so shy because you have an std?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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