so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
should my penis look like a turkey
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
