My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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