I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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