apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
