I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
