I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar