He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
