I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
