i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
