My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
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The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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