a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
