VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
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I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
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BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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