i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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