when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
