So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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