It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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