please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
