i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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