I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
