I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
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Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
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My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Couch. On fire.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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