I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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