Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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