they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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