I think I died a long time ago.
I puked a lego.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
