just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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