a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
