I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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