I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
