You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
