im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
