end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
