you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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