what day is it and did you see me today?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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