my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
