Yo dont text me then not text me
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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