im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
