Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
