I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
