Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
