everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.