Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
