dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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