Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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