Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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