thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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