I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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