This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
