3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
